I’m a real hot mess right now and I mean it quite literally. I have hot flashes, I’m uncomfortably warm (but if I chug a glass of cold water then I’m freezing and can’t warm up), and my blood work is all over the place. I had a follow-up with my doctor today and even she was puzzled. I think she called it interesting. I’m going to stick with hot mess. I even cried during my appointment (see previous statement). I’ve struggled with my health for a while now and to put it bluntly, I’m just tired of it. Maybe I should back up a little bit.
A few years into teaching I decided I needed to get my master’s degree. So on top of teaching a new program and a 2nd/3rd grade combo class I dove into a full-time master’s program. Doesn’t that sound like a great idea? I guess I should add that I always wanted to be a teacher and then stay at home with my own children. However, it didn’t feel like God was really taking care of our finances so I thought I needed to get my master’s degree. Then I could teach online classes while staying home with our kids. I had this all figured out. I felt an urgency to start the master’s program and pulled a few co-workers along with me. About this time, I remember looking at a little t-chart that listed the attributes of God on one side and Satan on the other. Under Satan it listed “rushes”. God was putting up a warning flag but I didn’t want to see it. I moved forward with my plan and it was going to work. Dear readers, not trusting God and taking control of things never turns out well. Let my experience be a cautionary tale not to take on anything when God is cautioning you not to.
To make a long story short the stress of taking on too much and not heeding God’s warning took a toll on my body. I didn’t have a period for months, I was having stress flashes throughout the day, and I was exhausted all the time. My body simply could not handle it all. Looking back my body was showing signs of hormone imbalance and fatigue before I started the master’s program, but taking on too much really wiped me out. My body was a wreck and it took a lot of time, supplements, and money at the doctor’s office to get my body back to health.
A year or two later we decided to “pull the goalie” if you know what I mean. When I finally did get pregnant about a year and a half later, I miscarried. We didn’t try for a while after that. That was a long, hard season for me. It wasn’t really what I wanted but I now see God’s perfect timing in it all. Once we did start trying again nothing happened for six months. A friend saw a Groupon for acupuncture which has been proven to help with fertility so I started seeing this new doctor. She correctly diagnosed my issues right away and with a lot of needles, supplements, and remedies I was pregnant. Praise God! Although I loved that I was carrying our baby, my pregnancy was pretty hard. I had “morning” sickness 24/7 from the beginning of December to mid-March. I threw up a lot of mornings and then again after school once I had walked my students out. I hated eating, the thought of it made me nauseous. On the flip side, if I didn’t eat often enough I’d throw up. I remember standing at the fridge one night just wanting to bawl but telling myself I would not cry over having to eat dinner. I know it sounds totally ridiculous. It was! I had RAGING heartburn that whole time as well. However, I tried not to show how awful I was feeling or complain because I was so thankful for this new little life. Whatever it took, I would endure it because in the end a baby in my arms was worth just about anything.
I read tons of books, watched documentaries, and researched birthing plans. I prayed and hoped for the birthing experienced my heart desired. However, things went a very different route and again my body was a wreck. I’ve heard plenty of moms talk about how great their C-sections were but mine was anything but that. Plus, it took me six months to finally get rid of the candida that wreaked havoc on my body. If you’ve struggled with thrush while breastfeeding you know how challenging it can be. I was so bummed. I really wanted to love the whole breastfeeding thing but I just didn’t. After that, other than some adrenal fatigue and an asthma flare up, I thought my health was pretty decent. I still had a hard time with this extra weight but after being diligent about my eating habits and exercise last summer, I was feeling pretty good about myself. However, that was short-lived and I found myself tired and binge eating again. I turned to coffee to give me a little pep in my step and help me find the much needed motivation I needed to get things done. After a while even that wasn’t doing the trick but it was making me moody and irritable. *sigh*
We were ready to grow our family again so in January I went back to the doctor to see if my hormones were balanced and ready for another pregnancy. The short answer is no. I found that my body was again out of whack and needing some support to get me balanced and healthy. I had neglected things for too long and it had shown. I prayed for healing and even went to a Healing Prayer ministry at a nearby church several times. I felt like God was healing me and I was anxious to see what my latest lab work would show. As it turned out He did heal me. Praise God! My hormones looked much better, the Polycystic Ovary Syndrome had been cleared. Now the problem was now a handful of other things. So that’s where I am today, a hot mess.
When I look at all these test results I get overwhelmed and my trust in God starts wavering. I’m not sure how we’re going to continue paying for all these supplements, doctor appointments, and tests. Part of me wants to rush in, take control, and get a job to help cover the cost. Then God gently reminds me how well that went last time I tried to take control of things. There’s also this little fear that creeps in on me– When will I be healthy enough to get pregnant again? What if I can’t? And there it is, the lie Satan’s been trying to lure me in with. That’s why I’ve been so emotional about this, why I cried on the way home and a few more times later. He knows the freedom I’ve been walking in and he’s looking for anything to chain me down with. It would be easy to give into his temptation and wallow in fear. Then the words of a wise friend come to mind, “Come back to what you know to be true.” I don’t know what is causing all these issues, how long it will take to fix them, or when I will be pregnant again. However, I do know my God is bigger than any test results. He has the power to heal me. He knows the desires of my heart and I am so dearly loved by Him. I don’t need to be anxious or afraid. I can boldly approach Him with my prayers, petitions, praises, and requests and He will guard me with His perfect peace. <3
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7
Have you checked out the April Issue of Stellar Day Magazine yet? The theme this month is BEAUTY and let’s just say… it’s drop-dead gorgeous!!!